Tag Archives: Lt. John Pike

Let us give thanks to God for pepper spray

I celebrated Buy Nothing Day today by buying nothing today. Not only did I do my part to refuse to contribute to mindless, runaway consumerism, but I avoided being pepper-sprayed, too.

Yes, apparently taking a cue from our wonderful law enforcement officers, some woman at a Southern California Walmart reportedly pepper-sprayed her shopping competitors in order to get to an Xbox. Reports The Associated Press:

Ten people were slightly injured by the pepper spray and 10 others suffered minor bumps and bruises in the chaos, [police Sgt. Jose] Valle said. They were treated at the scene.

“People could have gotten trampled,” he said. “Good thing there were no small kids.”

The woman got away in the confusion, but it was not immediately clear whether she got an Xbox, Valle said. …

The store remained open and those not affected by the pepper spray kept shopping. [Of course.] 

The woman could face felony battery charges if she is found, Valle said.

The AP story also calls the pepper-spray incident “the only major violence reported at a Southern California store involving Black Friday Thanksgiving holiday sales.”

So the pepper-spraying shopper committed “major violence” and “could face felony battery charges,” according to the AP, but according to Faux “News,” pepper spray is a “food product.”

Indeed, “Let them eat pepper spray!” is the attitude of the treasonous 1 percent, the 1 percent’s treasonous thugs (a.k.a. “law enforcement officers”), and the treasonous supporters of the 1 percent and the 1 percent’s thugs, but is this how it’s going to be — pepper spray is just a “food product” if the pigs use it against peaceful protesters, but if anyone else aggressively and not in self-defense sprays someone else with pepper spray, it’s felony battery?

I can’t imagine that the pepper-spraying Black Friday shopper was not inspired by our pigs’ recent abuse of pepper spray. Aren’t the pigs supposed to stop crime — and not inspire it?

Pepper spray is going to become so popular, I predict, that next Black Friday, shoppers will be pepper-spraying each other in order to be the first to get to the cheap fire-extinguisher-sized canisters of pepper spray.

In other Thanksgiving-related news, President Hopey-Changey has taken flak from the “Christo”fascists because he didn’t explicitly thank God in his Internet Thanksgiving address, even though Hopey-Changey did say “God bless you” in his address.

President Hopey-Changey didn’t thank Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy, either — because they’re mythical, too.

But seriously, I give thanks for living in such a nation of intellects that they are butt-hurt that Barack Obama neglected to explicitly thank a non-existent Zeus-like deity for whatever. (Actually, in a written Thanksgiving proclamation that he’d issued earlier, Obama did explicitly thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster. In that written proclamation, he proclaimed, “As we gather in our communities and in our homes, around the table or near the hearth, we give thanks to each other and to God for the many kindnesses and comforts that grace our lives” — like pepper spray, which our cops find very comforting, and which must be a kindness, since it’s a food product.)

No, really — I give thanks for living in a nation in which others don’t try to shove their stupid religious beliefs down others’ throats. Because that would be just like living under Sharia law.

P.S. Here’s an alternate graphic for this piece:

And while looking for a graphic for this piece, I saw this one —

— which is only tangentially related to this piece, but which is pretty fucking funny, since some of the green, villainous pigs in the videogame Angry Birds indeed, just like UC Davis Police Lt. John Pig — er Pike — have mustaches and wear helmets…

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Pepper-spraying pig goes global

Updated below (on Tuesday, November 22, 2011)

So after his fascistic actions on Friday, already University of California at Davis Police Lt. John Pike is an Internet sensation, now known around the world as the “Pepper-Spraying Cop.” I would call him the “Pepper-Spraying Pot-Bellied Pig,” but “Pepper-Spraying Cop” is more succinct.

Here are some images from the growing collection at http://peppersprayingcop.tumblr.com/:

“Phew! I am so glad we changed the mind of that grouchy guy who was indiscriminately pissing on our parade! Now we can have our gathering without fear of some random jerkAAUAUUAHAHASHSGAHAGAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

Poor Cindy Lou! (Seasonal, though.)

“Thank you lord Jesus for taking time out of your busy day to allow me to throw a football around and run around on grass and have super loads of fun. I know for a fact that every time I throw the football real good its because you are personally behind it. I am just that special. Its OK, you can admit it. Now just let me get down on this grass for a bit longer while IAUUAHAUAUUAHAGAGAHAGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

I never liked the sanctimonious Tim Tebow. The Pepper-Spraying Cop would never pepper-spray someone like Tim Tebow, though. I mean, Tebow is a right-wing white male.

“You know what my least favorite movie is? Rocky III. Now I know what you’re going to say. ‘Oh its because of Mr T’s character’s name, right?’ WRONG. Its because the narrative fell apart in the second act and just became so trite and deliberately oblivious to the true nature of the Rocky Balboa canonAAAUUAUAUUAAAUAUAAAGGAGAGGHHHHHHH”

PETA will be on it.

“We are a peaceful protest! We are non-violent! Well… OK so maybe there was a little violence. But come onAAUUAUUAUAHAHAGAGGAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

Well, he is one of our stormtroopers

“It’s eleventy four o’clock, Mr. Frodo! Well past time for second breakfast. Shall we cook up some nice coneys and carve up an apple or two? I think that we might be best served setting up a cook fire right over thereAAAUAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

He always plays the villain…

“This is Charlie Niner Foxtrot. I know our orders were about some big awful primate trying to occupy the Empire State Building, but all I see isAAYUUUUAHAUHAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

It was sad when King Kong died.

“God, finally the shade hits us. All these petticoats and overcoats and shit are cooking me like a game hen. I can actually relax now and have me a nice park sitAAAAUAUAUAAAGAGAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

Hey, he asked her to move.

“Ok, we went ahead and brought you our tired, our poor and our huddled masses. I know its April Fools day and everything, but we really kind of yearn to breathe freeAAUAUUAUAGHGAUAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

A little more political. (And pretty much what our liberty has come to.)

“Worst. Day. Ever. I just want to get to my daughter’s birthday party. That’s all. That’s IT. And now this bullshit. Just one more fucking thing and I am going to lose itAAAUAUAUAAAGAGAGAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

Wait — that’s a real photo, isn’t it?

“….”

And that one, too?

“God DAMN its good to be on top. Swimming in babes, limitless power.. is that a Whataburger over there? I gotta tell the driver to make a pit stopAAAUAUAUAAAGAGAAGAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

The mystery is finally solved…

“OK. Let’s run down how this day sucks. I get dragged to some weird place full of people who keep yelling about some shit that is NOT Teletubbies. I got a hot deuce in my diapey. My mom just handed me over to this creepy old hillbilly guy. What nextAAUAUAUAAAAAUAUAAGAGGGGHHHHHH”

Bush always was overprotected.

“Look who just won the raffle for a Dairy Queen tokenAAAUAUSAHSHAUASHFGGGGHHHHHHHHH”

Jesus suffered a lot on his way to the cross.

“If I could just reach that god damn smoke alarm button. Whose idea was it anyway to put these in this fucking chapelAAAAUAUAAHAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

Even God isn’t safe.

This one, I think, is my favorite, for its political content (and its technical quality):

“Listen, guys. I’m just gonna sit here until we can work this system out so it benefits everybody, not just the fat catsAAAUUAUAUAUAGAGAGGAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

And the first runner-up (this one via Joe. My. God.):

(Click here for larger version.)

My third runner-up (from Washington Post blog).

If I knew PhotoShop, I think that I’d do one of the “Pepper-Spraying Cop” as WALL-E floating around in outer space, using his pepper-spray canister to propel himself. (Would he have to hit Eva in the face with his pepper spray, though?)

On a serious note, Lt. Pig — er, Pike — has been placed on administrative leave, as has the UC Davis Police chief. Hopefully they will get more than a slap on the wrist. Hopefully, they will be sued and lose.

In other news, First Lady Michelle Obama was booed at her appearance yesterday at a NASCAR event — because her appearance delayed their traditional cross-burning. (Seriously, though, even uber-dipshit George W. Bush knew to appear only before receptive — that is, wingnutty — audiences.)

Update (Tuesday, November 22, 2011): Here are more from http://peppersprayingcop.tumblr.com/. I love this shit, and I think it’s great that one 1-percent-protecting cop’s appalling, Nazi-like behavior against non-aggressive young people can be turned into humor. That is, I think, one of the strengths of the left: our ability to turn the right wing’s most appalling actions into humor. (Indeed, the wingnuts’ rare attempts at humor are pathetic.)

“Now see here, Mr. Potter. You’re just a greedy old man is what you are. You’re the 1%. That’s right, I said it, the 1%! If you don’t want to help me out with the Building & Loan then we’re just going to stand around in town square with some signs and laptops. You’ll see! We’ll fix you good! You’re gonna see it all over the evening news, and there’s nothing you can do about itAUUAUHAHHAGHAGAHAGHHHHHHHHHH”

It’s a wonderful life, indeed.

“This is gonna be the greatest thing ever. People are gonna read all kinds of horse shit into this photo and you know what? We’re just going to laugh and laugh and laugh. ‘Oh why is Paul out of his shoes? Why is George in blue jeans? Why is John in white? Why is that bug halfway up the curb? Fucking idiots. People are so dumbAUUAHAGAHAUAGHAGAHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

“Here at the University Of Austria we like to have beautiful musical times whilst sitting in the park! Sing along, everybody, and let us rejoice in the wonder of some traditional folk songsAUAUAUHAGAHAGAHAGAHHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

Damn hippies deserve it!

This one might be my new favorite:

“The chances of me being a victim of police brutality here are so low from a statistical standpoint. There are so many people in this park right now, and I am so blended in that singling me out for a beating or pepper spray would be completely improbableAUUAUHAHGAHAGHAGAHAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

Waldo clearly was resisting.

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