SuperPalin swoops back in to save us

New York Times news photo

Sarah Palin is pictured in New York City in February. (She was there to fight a libel case against The New York Times that she lost…) Palin has taken pity on her country and selflessly has decided to insert herself into its politics again in order to save it.

Clearly, what the United States of America really needs right now is the return of Sarah Palin.

Yup. You betcha.

After years in the political (and Alaskan) wilderness, Palin has decided to run for Alaska’s lone seat in the U.S. House of Representatives, following the death of Repugnican Rep. Don Young, who had been in the House from 1973 until he died last month, making him the longest-“serving” Repugnican House member in U.S. history.

While Sarah Palin was instrumental in tanking the late Repugnican John McCain’s 2008 presidential bid as his running mate (in fairness, following the disastrous “presidency” of George W. Bush, it would have been a huge haul for McCainosaurus to win the White House even if he had picked an actually qualified, non-perpetually-embarrassing running mate), we do have to credit Palin, with her huge appeal to the nation’s mouth-breathing knuckle draggers, with ushering in first the God-awful “tea party” and then the likes of former “President” Pussygrabber, who only rode the “tea-party” wave.

Indeed, Palin is one of the founding soccer moms (founding MILFs?) of today’s Repugnican Party, which isn’t about actual conservatism anymore (that died no later than McCainosaurus did in 2018), but which is about abject batshittery (indeed, many of these lunatics still maintain that Pussygrabber still is our lawful president, and Biden Derangement Syndrome is about to make it into the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders*).

“Public service is a calling, and I would be honored to represent the men and women of Alaska in Congress, just as Rep. Young did for 49 years. I realize that I have very big shoes to fill, and I plan to honor Rep. Young’s legacy by offering myself up in the name of service to the state he loved and fought for,” Palin declared in a statement.

What concrete policy proposals has Palin offered the nation thus far? Because clearly and surely the Repugnican Party isn’t just about attacking the Democrats, but is about putting forth sane, logical, workable solutions to our nation’s problems right?

Nope. Also in her aforementioned statement, Palin proclaimed, “America is at a tipping point. As I’ve watched the far left destroy the country, I knew I had to step up and join the fight.”

Yes, that utter selflessness is utterly heartwarming, is it not?

But all that I’ve seen Palin offer thus far in terms of real solutions to real problems is that “the far left” is “destroy[ing] the country” — which is pretty much all that any of the fucking nut jobs posing as Repugnicans publicly declare anymore.

These “people” have stunningly limited vocabularies, and they dutifully mindlessly parrot such tropes as “far left,” “radical left,” “radical liberal,” “socialist,” “communist,” etc. — it’s all repetitive smears and name-calling and distraction, with no real discussion of how to solve the nation’s problems.

Still, it’s deeply unfair that the likes of, say, Repugnican U.S. Rep. Lauren Boebert, have stolen not only Palin’s white-trash “political” playbook, but even have stolen her look:

Again, what the United States of America really needs right now is the return of the “woman” who started it all.

We, the people, should refuse to settle for cheap knock-offs of The Original Hockey Mom, who can be distinguished from a pit bull only by her lipstick! Vote Sarah Palin 2022!

*To be clear, I’m not big on President Biden, either. In fact, I didn’t vote for him because I lived in California at the time and I knew that he’d win the state and all of its electoral votes no matter how I voted.

But, even though the corporate whores of the Democratic Party (and they are legion) fucked over Bernie Sanders again in order to install the wholly uninspiring and oft-addled Biden as the presidential nominee, I recognize Biden as the lawful (if at least somewhat awful) president, and it’s insane, of course, to blame Biden for all of the nation’s problems — perhaps especially when the same “people” who are focused like lasers on Biden’s real and fabricated shortcomings always wholly ignored Pussygrabber’s much worse actual shortcomings (including not only his treason and sedition, which continue to this day, but his having bragged about having grabbed women by the pussy).

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