Sen. Cryptkeeper to announce positions on horseless carriages, child labor, iceboxes, moving pictures, etc.

Tales from the Crypt: The Complete First Season (DVD) - cover

California U.S. Sen. Dianne Feinstein, who turns 85 years old this month, and who is pictured above, I’m pretty sure, suddenly conveniently supports things that she long used to oppose, which, she assures us, has nothing to do with the November election.

In Tuesday’s primary election in California, I wanted, above all else, only two things: for actual Democrat Kevin de León to make it into November’s election for U.S. senator against incumbent Repugnican Lite Dianne “Cryptkeeper” Feinstein and for Repugnican Lite Antonio Villaraigosa not to make it into November’s election for governor against Gavin Newsom.

I got both wishes.

Stick a fork in Villaraigosa; he’s done. Thus far he is at a distant third place in California’s top-two (a.k.a. “jungle”) primary system (in which the top two vote-getters advance to the general election, regardless of their party affiliation), well behind the No. 2 candidate, a Repugnican whose sorry ass Newsom will hand to him on a silver platter in November.

Don’t get me wrong; Newsom is competent but imperfect, and we’ll see how he governs the state. I am hopeful, but I make no starry-eyed predictions.

The real race for November in California, then, is between Kevin de León and Cryptkeeper, and, sadly, if I’m to be honest, it might take Cryptkeeper’s death to take De León to D.C., because Californians stupidly stubbornly remain attached to Cryptkeeper.

Thus far, Cryptkeeper has 44 percent of the primary vote to De León’s 11.5 percent, with a mostly unknown Repugnican in third place, approaching 9 percent.

Very apparently November’s will be the second U.S. Senate race in California in a row in which a Repugnican wasn’t on the ballot, but in which two Democrats were. (In 2016, it was Kamala Harris and the awful DINO Loretta Sanchez, who never was serious competition against Harris, who won largely by just not acting insanely, as Sanchez did routinely.)

Cryptkeeper has advantages that De León does not: She’s been around since the invention of dirt, and thus her name recognition in California is incredibly high, and, being a multi-millionaire, she has millions of her own dollars that she is pumping into her race (at least $5 million thus far).

She also, of course, has the staunch, blindly obedient support of the so-called Democratic establishment, the very same fucking geniuses who thought that it was a great idea to run the widely despised Repugnican Lite Billary Clinton — instead of the wildly popular genuine populist Bernie Sanders — against Pussygrabber.

Also, because Cryptkeeper is far more like a moderate Repugnican than an actual Democrat (that is, progressive), my guess is that many of California’s Repugnican voters, lacking a member of their own party on the ballot for U.S. Senate, will hold their noses and vote for Cryptkeeper, believing, correctly, that she’s far better for them and their treasure chests and their backasswards social and socioeconomic views than is the actual Democrat in the U.S. Senate race, Kevin de León.

When I say that it might have to take the death of the soon-to-be 85-year-old Cryptkeeper to put De León in the U.S. Senate, I’m being at least half-serious.

In the meantime, it’s nauseatingly amusing to see the new policy positions that Cryptkeeper is taking now in order to try to fend off any threat that De León might pose to her.

Cryptkeeper just recently reversed her stance on the death penalty, which she used to staunchly support but now conveniently opposes, and just recently conveniently reversed her stance on the use of recreational marijuana (only after the majority of the state’s voters approved it in November 2016).

There has been no news yet on how Cryptkeeper feels about other social issues and technological developments, such as indentured servitude, indoor plumbing, child labor, horseless carriages, electricity, penicillin, The Pill, and even whether or not we should allow women to vote.

It will be exciting over the next five months to hear how she has “evolved” on issues on which she always should have been leading, not fucking following, since she first was elected to the Senate way, way back in 1992.

Californians who vote for Cryptkeeper in November, if they incredibly lazily and stupidly give her yet another term, will get exactly what they deserve: only even more of the same old, same old. Literally as well as figuratively.

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