Daily Archives: July 14, 2010

Coitus interruptus

There is controversy in Montana over a proposal to teach public-school first-graders that homosexuality exists and to teach fifth-graders, in sex education, about vaginal, oral and anal intercourse.

Fuck.

I remember sex ed in sixth grade. We were shown chainsaw views (cross-section depictions) of the female and male reproductive systems, and we were informed that males produce sperm and that females produce ova, and that the sperm and the ovum meet and that this results in a baby.

A tiny detail that they omitted, however, was how, exactly, the sperm and the ovum come to unite.

They dared not tell us back then, in Arizona circa 1980, that the erect penis repeatedly thrusts inside of the vagina and eventually ejaculates, delivering the sperm, swimming around in semen, to the waiting ovum. We didn’t get to see visual aids such as these:

I mean, hell, that last one is a drawing of Leonard da Vinci’s — that’s art, no? And the image above that supposedly is an MRI of coitus — that’s science, yes?

Lacking this explicit instruction, my sixth-grade mind filled in the gap (so to speak…): I figured that the scary-looking female anatomy, with all of those tubes, must send a tube inside of the penis, like a ridiculously long earthworm, and collect the sperm itself. (Please don’t laugh. I was young.)

This idea was not appealing, having my sperm taken from me by a wormlike appendage from inside of an already-scary-enough-looking vagina.

That’s probably not why I turned out gay, but still, I would like to have had received a full instruction in how it all works.

Showing kids diagrams of parts and neglecting to tell them how it all comes together isn’t of much help to them — and, such as in my case, might cause even more confusion than enlightenment — and I see no problem with teaching kids about things they’re going to discover at some point anyway, such as oral sex and anal sex.

And homosexuality, too, of course.

I don’t recall a mention of that when I had sex ed back in the day. If memory serves, dudes get with chicks, and that’s the only possible permutation that was presented to us.

(Speaking of ’mosexuality, wasn’t Leonardo da Vinci gay? Is that why in his diagram, only the man is fully depicted, with the woman being little more than a semen receptacle?)

Anyway, sex ed in the public schools always has been and long will be a touchy subject. Perhaps the best approach is for parents to teach their kids about sex.

But if we’re going to present sex ed at all in the public schools, we should do it right — uncut and unedited — or not at all.

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Where’s Macaca?

The NAACP says that the “tea party” is racist.

The “leadership” of the “tea party” — including its grand dragoness, Sarah-Palin Quayle — denies this.

Yet we have ample evidence — photographic evidence — that the “tea party” is guilty as charged.

Seriously: If I had the rights to news photos of “tea-party” crowds I would put together a coffee-table book, modeled after the Where’s Waldo? books, perhaps titled Where’s Macaca?*

Because finding a non-white person among a crowd of “tea-party” dipshits is as challenging as it is to find Waldo.

For instance, this news photo of a “tea-party” crowd I’d put on the cover of my book titled Where’s Macaca?:

People attend a tea party tax day rally in Nashville, ...

Associated Press photo

(Actually, there is one person in the photo who appears not to be Anglo. Can you find Macaca?)

If you think I’m being inaccurate or unfair (or both), you can go to Google Images and type in “tea party crowd” and see for yourself how many non-whites you can see in photos of large “tea-party” crowds.

(Heck, I’ll even save you the time; you can click here to see those results for yourself.)

The pictures do not lie.

 *“Macaca,” you might recall, is a racial epithet for a brown-skinned person, from the French word for “monkey.” Repugnican U.S. Sen. George Allen of Virginia lost re-election in 2006 after he referred to a young Indian-American man as “macaca” — while the young man was capturing him on video.

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