Yeah, I’d Tickle That: Day Two (or, Andy Makes Me Randy)

Andy Samberg. >Sigh.<

I would give my left nut for a night with “Saturday Night Live’s” Andy Samberg.

Andy is adorable and talented, regularly playing not only a foul-mouthed, not-to-be-fucked-with Rahm Emanuel for “SNL,” but also creating “digital shorts,” my favorite of which remains “Iran So Far” (but “Jizz in My Pants” is, um, memorable, too…).

To my knowledge, Andy thus far mostly has had small film roles, none of them breakthroughs, but I think that he could carry a big film.

Andy reportedly is straight (I note that because surely if he were gay I’d have a chance…) and in one recent “SNL” skit he hilariously plays a young man fending off a snorkeling Eric Massa, who was my inspiration for this week-long series.

Assorted shit

Sex abuse allegations overwhelming Pope Palpatine

I remember, years ago, when Pope Palpatine was elected, that it felt all wrong. One of my co-workers, a right-wing Catholic, was excited about the new pope to the point that she had the unveiling of the new pope on a television set in the office.

I remember seeing the throngs of people on live TV and thinking: all of those people, and all of them so wrong.

Today I feel vindicated.

Time.com reports that 22 of the 27 German Roman Catholic dioceses have been touched (so to speak) by a rapidly growing scandal in which as many as 200 individuals claim to have been sexually abused by German Roman Catholic officials in the 1970s and 1908s. Pope Palpatine was Archbishop of Munich from 1977 to 1982, Time.com helpfully notes.

But noooo, it’s same-sex couples who want equal human and civil rights who are the problem.

—

Don’t tax me, bro!

I don’t want to pay taxes.

Oh, shit — I sound like a tea-baggin’ fucktard.

Let me be specific: I am rather addicted to not having to pay state sales tax on most things that I purchase via amazon.com.

Amazon.com is in the news these days because it apparently is punishing the state of Colorado for having passed a new state law that would require amazon.com to collect and report to the state of Colorado sales tax data on its online sales to individuals in Colorado, which, like many if not most states, faces a budget shortfall.

My state, California, at one time required its residents to report, on their state income tax returns, their online purchases for the past year and to pay state sales taxes on these purchases, but this was, to my knowledge, on the honor system. I certainly didn’t pay it, and I hope that California never does what Colorado did, which was (as I understand it) to require amazon.com to report to the state how much in state sales taxes residents in Colorado owe from their online purchases.

I don’t mind paying state sales tax on items that are shipped to me from within California — and I believe that I always end up paying California state sales tax on items I buy online that ship from within California — but to pay California state sales tax on items that are shipped to me from out of state: That’s bullshit.

Indeed, The Associated Press notes that “A 1992 U.S. Supreme Court ruling found that states can only make companies collect sales tax if they have a physical presence in the state to prevent out-of-state sellers from having to deal with thousands of separate tax jurisdictions.”

That’s one U.S. Supreme Court ruling that I actually can agree with…

—

The hand that Israel bit slaps back

I’m lovin’ it that the Obama administration is bitch-slapping Israel for having bitten the red, white and blue hand that feeds it.

Israel is the No. 2 recipient of U.S. foreign aid, second only to Iraq. (Before the unelected Bush regime illegally, immorally, unprovokedly and unjustly invaded Iraq in March 2003, Israel long was at No. 1.)

Being so dependent upon the United States means that you do what the fuck the United States tells you to do, it seems to me.

Warhawkish Israel-firsters Benedict Lieberman and John McCainosaurus have criticized the Obama administration for having sternly criticized Israel’s right-wing leadership for recently announcing its plan to steal more Palestinian land, but it was Barack Obama, not McCainosaurus, who won the fucking presidential election of 2008.

Better late than never to come out

I still remember a cartoon that I saw years ago as a minor. I believe that it was in one of my older brother’s issues of Hustler, which I enjoyed for the occasional male who was featured along with a female in one of the, um, pictorials.

In the cartoon, two ancient wheelchair-bound men sit next to each other on a porch.

“I’ve always loved you, too!” one of them declares to the other.

It was a funny, but a sad, cartoon: by the time the two men finally declared their love for each other, they didn’t have much time left.

(OK, so I probably overexplained the ’toon, as I am wont to do, but please indulge me…)

An Associated Press story on how people are coming out later in life reminded me of that ’toon.

The news story is more anecdotal than anything else, and it makes the error of lumping transgendered individuals in with gay men and lesbians — something to which both camps often object, as there is a significant difference between being sexually attracted to members of your own sex and feeling like you are a female in a biologically male body or a male in a biologically female body — but the news story is worth reading.

Excerpts:

Increased awareness and acceptance of varied sexualities and gender identities has led Americans to come out far younger, as early as middle school.

A less noticed but parallel shift is happening at the other end of the age spectrum, with people in their 60s, 70s and 80s coming to terms with the truth that they are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.

While no one tracks the numbers of the elderly who come out, those who work with older adults say the trend is undeniable, and a resulting network of support groups and services has cropped up.

The decision can fracture lifelong relationships. Or it can bring the long-sought relief of an unloaded secret….

Outing yourself late in life can be complicated after having lived through times when being openly gay could get you arrested, put in an institution and given shock treatments. It’s snarled in a lifetime of trudging along through society’s view of normalcy and the resulting fear of being ostracized by children and grandchildren. And it’s marked by a nagging doubt that all the heartache, all the potential for it to go wrong, may not be worth it with one’s years numbered.

“When somebody comes out at the age of 20, they have their whole life ahead of them,” said Karen Taylor, the director of training and advocacy for SAGE, a national group that works with LGBT seniors. “There’s a real sense of regret and loss for somebody who comes out later in life, even when talking to them and they say the decision was the right one.”

Still, many seniors have felt empowered by the growing presence of gays and lesbians in pop culture and some high-profile, late-in-life outings…. Those who’ve mustered the gumption to out themselves say they feel as if they’ve been given a second chance….

Dr. Loren Olson, a psychiatrist in Des Moines, Iowa, who has studied late-in-life outings, said for most such seniors, there are losses, though they are typically less than they fear, and often vary greatly by socioeconomics.

Olson himself was 40 before he came out. While it may seem incomprehensible to some, he said it makes sense that many can’t face the truth for so long, even if some around them have surmised it.

“We don’t like disharmony in our thinking so sometimes we block out things that really are in opposition to really what we believe is true,” he said. “It’s like a child believing in Santa Claus: You just hang on to that as long as you can.” …

Let go of Santa, I say to those who are in the closet, especially those who probably can come out without the sky actually falling.

I have not been a big fan of closet cases, but I’m trying to be more patient with and understanding of them. There is that delicate balance, I think: Play along with the closet case’s game, and what incentive does he or she have to come out? But push him or her too far, and couldn’t that cause damage, too?

Still, my general belief is that for most people in the closet, coming out would not be nearly as catastrophic as they apparently think it would.

Often, people already know, and their response is something along the lines of “No duh!”

Those who have a problem with you being non-heterosexual — why do you want them in your life anyway?

It’s never too soon or too late to start being who you are. The time to be who you are is right now.

If you are contemplating coming out, you might find that the Human Rights Campaign has some valuable resources on coming out. Click here.

Finally, if you must remain in the closet, don’t be a Massa. Don’t claim to be straight while sexually harassing members of your own sex. As much as I love to be in the know, I don’t want to have to learn new sexual slang, such as “snorkeling,” as the result of your having sexually acted out. “Tea-bagging” was enough, thank you.