Arrrrrrr! Gimme a fargin’ break!

The episode with the Somali pirates who held hostage the American captain of a cargo ship gave President Barack Obama “an early military test,” the Washington Post declared.

An Associated Press “analysis” of the pirate tale declares that “Obama’s ‘no-drama’ handling of the Indian Ocean hostage crisis proved a big win for his administration in one of its first critical national security tests.”

Oh, bullshit.

That’s not to say that modern-day pirates aren’t a problem that need to be dealt with.

But the Somali pirates have created an “international situation” only in the technical sense, only because an “international situation,” by its broadest conceivable definition, is a situation that involves people from different nations.

If I go down to Mexico and get me some from a Latino hottie, that technically would be an “international situation.”

But that wouldn’t affect your life, would it? And I hardly think that Americans in general are threatened by Somali pirates.

Somali pirates threaten our national security? No, they fucking don’t.

They might threaten some American business interests, and of course American business interests want us to believe that their interests — their profits — are our national interest, but that’s bullshit.

The business interests just want the American taxpayers to foot the bill for their security needs. The U.S. military thus becomes, in effect, the private security guards for the businesses that we, the American taxpayers, pay for.  

The Somali pirates — all pirates — need to be dealt with as the criminals that they are, but I can’t help but get the idea that the U.S. military, which doesn’t see much action outside of the Middle East these days, is just itching for a fight.

I mean, the U.S. Navy against Somali pirates?

Is that a fair fight?

It is not overkill?

And of course the U.S. Navy had to blow away three of the four Somali pirates who were holding captive the captain, since the pirates had an American as their hostage, and everyone knows that just one American life is worth much more than several Somali lives. (I mean, Somalia. That’s in Africa…)

So yes, let’s deal with piracy.

But let’s not talk about it being some national security matter or an international military situation.

The U.S. military against Somali pirates is much more like an NFL team taking on a junior high school flag football team.

P.S. I love this paragraph from an Associated Press news story:

The successful rescue of Capt. Richard Phillips, who had been held by pirates for five days in a drifting lifeboat after their attempt to hijack the U.S.-flagged container ship Maersk Alabama failed, was hailed in the United States as a “feel-good” story that temporarily lifted the country’s spirits in gloomy economic times.

Really? That’s what it was all about — making Americans feel better about their shitty economy?

How about we deal with our economic problems and we deal with piracy — as the separate issues that they are?

And if we Americans need our military to blow away comparatively small-time thugs in order to feel better about ourselves and our sinking empire, then we’re in much deeper shit than I’d ever realized.

And I’ll note that from news stories it’s apparent that the U.S. military apparently never much gave a shit about the Somali pirates until the pirates mistakenly took an American ship. ’Cause something isn’t a problem unless you do it to an American.

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